Catching the Sock stealing Gnome
I decided that by throwing all my cashmere socks into the washing machine would be too much temptation for the gnomes to come out of hiding and attempt to score a really good cashmere sock or two.
After washing the socks, I threw all the socks into the dryer and left the door open to allow the smell of spring scent Tide to permeate out into all the corners of the home... there I sat out the back door, waiting... dressed in my Camo Ghillie Suit, motionless, FOR HOURS...
But then it happened... there, around the corner of the shed, the Gnome appeared.
My heart raced fast, thoughts of crushing this thug excited me, cause you know, cashmere socks are not cheap... :-)
He belly crawled right past me and up onto the back deck, pausing every few minutes so he wasnt spotted...
Into the back door he went... my eyes never left him thanks to my trusty teddy bear cam (dont ask me why i have one... jsut sayin)
I watched him stuff, NOT ONE sock into his pocket, BUT THREE... "Oh, the greedy bugger", I murmered under my breath.
Then he bolted, like grease lightening, out the back door he leaped, as if he was classically trained in ballet... At the same time I jumped...
Our bodies struck each other, and I reached for his red hat... but it was porcelain and it slipped from my hands.
"Damn Gnome" I yelled as I watched him run for this cute little remote control car that he must have bought in the closing sale at Toys are Us... $69.99 plus tax if my memory serves me right... sorry, I digress... back to the action.
He waved as he sped by me, laughing... ohhhh that evil Gnome laugh... it shall haunt me forever...
As he tore off, I threw my ghillie suit off and ran... OK OK, I walked... I am not in that good of shape, and heck, it was a 12" toy remote control car for kids under 5, it wasn't going that fast...
As I followed him in this extremely slow motion race, I saw him enter a house up the street... that was the longest 5 1/2 minutes of my life during that 200m chase... "WHEW"
As I got to the house, I heard what can only be described as a buzz of a million bees... I looked, it wasnt bees, it was thousands of Gnomes scurrying and grabbing guns from their green army men helpers... they had clubs, guns, and one was even calling for backup...
I thought i was stealthy, and not noticed... but that marathon chase had me tired and my panting must have gave me away.
They a shrill voice was heard over the buzzing... "Say Hello to my little friend"...
Head hanging low, hands on my knees, feeling like I needed oxygen, I crashed through the door, yelling, "My cashmere socks shall be mine!"
With that, the thousands of 1mm bullets plastic bullets ripped into my skin. OK OK... truth be told, I didnt feel a thing... heck, half the guns didn't fire because they had melted in the sun , and the bullets that did fire, hit the ground as soon as they were fired...
I kicked to the right, swept my other foot to the left and noticed gnomes flying everywhere... then the song, "Staying alive" entered my head and i disco danced the hoard to oblivion.
The sounds of percelean smashing against the concrete walls fuelled my anger even more... smash, crack, and one tiny shrill wicked evil grin...
I looked, and there he was, the thief that started it all... but this time I was ready... I jumped, hands covered in stickem... my hands reached, he back peddled... I landed...
And I GOT HIM... stuck to my hand, swinging his cute little arms around trying to free himself...
I called 911... the police could not believe the carnage... I later learned that they had been trying to break this ring of sock terror down for decades...
The last remaining Gnome was taken off and charged with 1,954,543,328 counts of single sock theft in just my area alone over the last 75 years...
And as for me... well, now I am left with a pile of single socks that have no matches because, well, I threw out all the singles already...
But Victory was mine today... :-)
